Why Me
by Naiyad
Summary: From the moment he opened his ugly red eyes, I realised exactly how deep the sin my husband had committed was. - Mrs. Sha (My first multi-chaptered fic)
1. Part 1

Standard disclaimers apply. A fanfiction by Ran Shizuka.

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**Why me? **

Part I

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            It's raining. I feel numb. 

"I'm sorry…" he's saying. He can still look at me with those lovely brown-black eyes of his while he tells me he's been cheating on me. "It's not that I don't love you…" he's saying. He can still sit straight on the wooden chair in front of me while he tells me that he has been having an affair.

Sure he's shaking a little and those beautiful eyes of his are a little too bright holding back what I can only assume to be tears…but he can still look so handsome.

He can still look so handsome.

The stupid man!

His words barely touch my ears much less reach my brain. I simply can't fathom why his mouth is moving when I can't hear his voice. 

Then, the tears come, and the anger.

"Get out!" I scream. From the corner of my eye I could see Jien, cowering behind the wall. My sudden outburst must have scared him. Had he been listening all this while? 'Jien, go inside your room. Mommy and daddy are just talking,' I want to say. But I didn't.

"Calm down," he tells me, holding his arms in front of me like a lion trainer approaching his beast. The _nerve_! 

"Get out! Get out of this house NOW! I don't ever want to see your face again. Don't you dare set foot in this house ever again." I'm screaming at the top of my voice. Tears are falling down my face in streaming rivulets. After a while, I don't even hear my own voice. It seems like the whole world is closing in on me. Every sound was starting to fade away from my consciousness. But I'm still screaming at him. That I know.

I fling my arms and knock over the antique vase on the table. It crashed into bits on the floor.

He still won't leave. He still refuses. So I had to take one of the larger pieces of the broken vase and stab him. His arm bled like I've never seen anything bleed before. The floor was turning red. 

"Mom!" Jien's voice. 

I walk up to him and crumple down to my knees. My legs won't support me any more. Pulling him closer to me, I hold my son…my only son to my heart and sob into his neck.

Vaguely at the back of my mind I notice the no good husband of mine running out the door. 

Jien has the loveliest voice I've ever heard. This soft slightly raspy tone when he's scared. "Where's daddy going?" he let me continue sobbing into his neck.

"Away dear. Far, far away and I won't have to see him ever again."

            ….

But I did.

It was the ninth of November. There was a storm outside. Thunder and lightning fought for control over the skies. Three urgent knocks on the door.

Jien was helping me in the kitchen.

The knocking persisted. I wasn't even sure how I could hear the knocking, considering all the noise the gods of lightning and thunder were making in their war.

Wiping my hands on my apron, I jogged over to open the door.

There he was.

My husband.

I thought he was going to beg for my forgiveness. He was going to tell me that he couldn't live without me. He was going to mouth the words 'I love you' silently and shyly to me like he did on our wedding night and I would forgive him then and there. I'd let his strong arms hold me and I'd let the rain wash away all the pain I've been suffering and wash away his sins. Jien would have a father again. Dear, sweet Jien.

How naïve.

His beautiful brown-black eyes were red from crying. Yet his tears weren't for me.

"His name's Gojyo." Not the three little words I was expecting. Definitely not the words I wanted to hear.

He looked at me in the eye. I could see pain in those dark pools but they weren't pain over losing me.

"Take care of him for me." He handed me a bundle, small and light.

A flash of lightning illuminated him for a fraction of a second. I could make out his broad shoulders, his strong frame, the shape of his hands, the contours of his face. 

He was still so handsome.

"I love you," he whispered to the bundle in my arms. Then he turned and ran down the lane. The rain swallowed him up; the mist engulfed him. I was still standing there in the doorframe. Shock and surprise couldn't begin to describe how I felt.

The bundle moved in my arms.

I pushed away some of the wet cloth. It was a child. Small, light, thin almost sickly. It was a child covered in blood, fresh from the womb of a woman, weak from the burden of a troubled labour. My fingers brushed against his skin. He felt cold.

He was freezing from the rain, naked underneath the wet rags.

I took him in. The light from the living room spilled into the hallway, onto his face. 

From the moment he opened his ugly red eyes I realised exactly how deep the sins my husband had committed was.

The infant…the monster I held in my arms was a half-bred. Part human, part demon.

Tbc.


	2. Part 2

**Why Me?**

Part II

The infant…the monster I held in my arms was a half-bred. Part human, part demon. 

This creature was what my husband whispered his love to just a second ago. He loved this disgusting filthy…_thing more than his wife and child. That pathetic excuse of a man!_

I walked back to the brightly-lit kitchen holding _it_ tightly to my chest. Jien was still there, oblivious to the fact that his irresponsible father had just brought a curse upon the Sha family. It squirmed a little uncomfortably, trying to loosen my grip. I only clutched tighter. 

I had been washing the dishes earlier. The sink was full to the brim with water and soap bubbles. Clean and dirty kitchenware stacked up on either sides of the sink.

"Who was that mom?" Jien asked when he saw me step through the door.

I ignored him, distracted by all the messed up thoughts echoing in my head. Standing in front of the sink for a while to calm my emotions that were currently in turmoil. The dirty water reflected my expressions: confusion, disappointment, betrayal, hurt but most of all disgust.

I let go.

The bundle fell into the dirty water with a splash. My lips curling into a spiteful smile, I ignored the dishwater that was trickling down my face.

"Mom, what was that?" panic tinged lightly at his voice. The thing had begun to struggle. "Mom, what did you just throw into the sink?" I just stood still and watched it's pitiful attempts to save itself. "Mom? Answer me. Mom!" Jien pushed me away and reached into the trashing, murky water. He had to stand on tiptoes since he was still too short.

"Mom!" he cried out horrified as he pulled out the choking, sputtering, crying child. The way he looked at me then…it tore at my heart. He looked at me as if I was a monster. _Me! His own mother._

It was all starting to become too much. My head was spinning. I fell to my knees and covered my face with my thin hands. Jien ran off with the screaming infant. Jien left me alone, depressed on the kitchen floor. I felt forsaken, by my husband, by my only child…by God. Kami-sama, don't do this to me.

*

I don't know how long I was lying there. A crumpled heap dirty and tearstained…but the first thing I remembered after that was looking into Jien's eyes. 

"Mom, are you all right?"

Those deep limpid pools of dark browns…so much like his….

"Here, I poured you some water," he held out a glass half-filled with the warm, clear liquid. I took it from him with shaking hands. My head was throbbing; I hurt from the inside and out. 

"You shouldn't cry mom," Jien was gently wiping my face with a warm damp cloth. A knot formed in my stomach. I pulled him into a tight embrace; the glass of water rolling on its side on the floor, its contents spilt and I started crying all over again. 

"I love you Jien. Always remember that. You are my only son and I love you with all my heart. I love you, I love you, I love you…." 

I kept repeating the words over and over again, stroking his raven black hair as I rocked back and forth with him held tightly to me. My dear, sweet, Jien. You shouldn't have to suffer through all this. Oh, all the ridicule and derision you'd have to face if anyone from the village find out about this treachery. You deserve better, much better. Dear, sweet, Jien.

After a while, I got up a little unsteadily. I placed my hands against the wall for support. I decided to take a bath. I needed it. 

Whilst I was in the bathroom, I could hear young Jien's voice singing, humming a tune, muffled only slightly by the walls. Really, Jien's tone deaf, but I smiled anyway as he tried to carry a tune. Stepping out of the bath feeling refreshed, I got dressed quickly and tip toed to his room. I wanted to catch him by surprise, see what he was doing. It's a habit all mothers possess: to catch their innocent children absorbed in the middle of an activity.

I stopped short at his bedroom door.

Jien had had the child cleaned up and dressed in one of his T-shirts. The shirt was obviously, far too big for it and the neck hole itself fell over a thin shoulder. Jien was humming to it, and it was listening. Its round red eyes staring at him, hungrily lapping up the attention Jien was paying him.

Its eyes flickered in my direction and it started crying again. Jien picked it up and gingerly placed it on his lap. Turning around to see what had scared it, he noticed me.

"Mom," he said, surprised to see me standing in the doorframe. For a moment I thought that he was going to try to get it away from me, that was why his next words were a little startling. 

"I think he's sick. His head feels hot…do you think he has a fever." Casually, he ignored the fact that I had tried to drown the thing in the sink just a few moments ago, asking me advice so carelessly as if I cared.

So forgiving: my son Jien.

Special..thanks to.my.lovely.reviewers..You've.succesfully.made.my.day.


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